Merry 1st Christmas Tiny Tim

I always wonder how the angels celebrate Christmas in heaven. God thought you special enough to taste this celebration before all of us get to little Timothy. We had a beautiful day today with your ever growing family - but I can't help but say this holiday now more then ever I felt a piece of me missing. That piece of me will always be with you in heaven Timothy, until we are together again. We miss you - keep that party going until we get there. :)
Love you always - Mommy

Nine Months and Counting

Just wanted to post a quick thought today - I miss little Timothy a lot lately - it's been nine months but that is still less than the time he spent with me every day!! 

Thank you to my true friends and family for upholding me, supporting me, and remembering his precious little life that changed our lives in a big way!!

Life's Just Not What it Used to Be...

The world has bustled on around me...sometimes I wonder if anyone remembers that Timothy was here...I wonder how the world could move on without him - a piece of me wishes I could go back to those first few weeks he was gone - as difficult as it was, he seemed to be on everyone's mind, rather than just my own.  I look back at that time now and realize what an emotional high I was on...now eight months later, my mind suddenly seems foggy.  My concentration is lacking...multi-tasking has seemed to go out the window for me, the master once of doing it all.  I'm realizing now that I'm just not all there anymore.  I don't know if I ever will be.  And you know what....I'm okay with that.  I'm sure it's not exactly convenient for those around me...but I'm learning to live life again...with the new me....I would take the moments I had with Timothy over the old me any day.

I write this for the other mommies out there....I have a feeling I am not alone.
xo

A Short Six Months...A Long Six Months

Happy Six Month Heavenly Birthday to our Tiny Tim.  Today Timothy's Daddy made a big map of the world with his little footprints all over, showing everywhere his precious feet have been.  We will hang it in his big sister's playroom - she will grow up asking and knowing all about her little brother with wings. 

When Evie was six months to the day she sat on her own for the first time - I have a feeling little Timothy would have done so even earlier just to keep up with his big sister! 

It's hard to believe we have been without you for six months already - yet every day not seeing you grow feels like an eternity.  I never thought that I would be on "this side" of this trial, in less than two weeks it will be one year when we were told we wouldn't get to keep you.  When you're first climbing that mountain it seems like you will never reach the top.  But as I have been told before - you see beautiful things on that mountain top.  Thank you God for showing us the view - and for giving us the opportunity to love this little boy of ours.

You Raise Me Up

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

--Brendan Graham, You Raise Me Up

Happy Five Month Heavenly Birthday Tiny Tim

This week I read a book about a six year little boy, Alex, who visited Jesus in heaven after a car accident, and came back as a witness to heaven (The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven).  It reminded me just how real heaven is and gave me peace to know little Timothy is there with Jesus, busy about God's work until we join him. 

Happy Heavenly 4 Month Birthday

Your big sister just loves babies! I know she would have adored you - but you had other work to do.  Your story continues to inspire people around the world!

Blessed to be His Mom

I truly believe God gives us children so we can experience the love He feels for us. Remembering little Timothy on Mother's Day and how much joy he brought to me and continues to bring - as I was so fortunate to be his mom, even for just a moment in time.

Thinking of Timothy

I miss my little Timothy more than ever these days - my little acrobat.  I suppose at some point you just run out of strength - these are the times you have no choice but to fall on God.

Happy 3-Month Heavenly Birthday Timothy.  We love you.

John 15:16

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -- fruit that will last. 

Remembering You...

My only regret is that I didn't celebrate you more while you were here with me. 
Looking back now I laugh at the times we spent together...yes your mommy was carrying too many Christmas presents when we were shopping together in Philadelphia...

Look at all the places you've been in just two short months with those angel wings of yours!

1 Chronicles 16: 23 - 24 Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day.  Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

A Message for Timothy

Dear Baby Timothy -

Do you know that you changed your mommy's life forever?  I will never ever be the same again - and so much for the better.  What would I have been without knowing you?

Love, Mommy

The Miracles Continue...

Today I spoke with the Organ Donation Organization and received some very encouraging news!  Timothy's liver cells were successfully cryogenically frozen and are awaiting donation to babies diagnosed with Urea Cycle Disorder.  This disorder can be fatal or lead to significant brain damage for babies.  Unfortunately it's a long process so we may not know who or when this will happen for another six months or so - but it is still very exciting!!  One of the coolest things is that this is a completely new process in the US - they had been doing this in Germany and just gained approval to perform this procedure over the last few months here in the states.  Timothy is one of the first ones to donate in this way!!  This is the first time the donation organization and the hospital have done this type of donation, which is helping to pave the way for other parents to do the same, especially parents of anencephalic babies...there he goes again, changing everyone's lives!  Good work Baby Timothy :)
More to come...

'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

A Celebration in Heaven

Happy 1-Month Birthday Baby Timothy.  We miss you!

Continued Enlightenment :)

I went to my first bereavement support group tonight at the hospital where we delivered Timothy three weeks ago.  I went there feeling a little down and expecting to leave even more depressed - instead I left in complete wonder of our God - that he chose ME to give this precious gift to.  As I sat and listened to stories of other mommies and daddies losing their babies unexpectedly during their pregnancy, I realized what a special story I had.  That I had almost ten months with my precious baby boy - that I had six months to prepare to give him back to the Lord and treasure every moment that I did have with him - that I was able to carry him full term and and that his little life was such a testimony to so many people.  When it was my turn to tell my story tonight I almost felt badly because although I miss him terribly there was something wonderful in my story.  There was hope and peace, joy and excitement.  My story is not one of devastation - I am not asking why me, why did this have to happen to me - I am able to see the fruits of God's work right before my eyes.  Timothy has literally changed peoples' lives - he has changed peoples' perspectives.  I told of how they were able to use his liver to save other babies and one of the other daddies called little Timothy a hero.  In Timohty's one breath, he was a hero.  And he was mine.

The beauty of all this is how God orchestrated every little detail - and if my husband and I hadn't finished the journey, we would have never seen any of this.  I am so honored that God chose me to be Timothy's mommy - although through and through my heart I know that Timothy was the strong one, I'm starting to realize that in a way, Timothy and I were a team, I'm so privileged that I was able to be a part of this team.

I pray that God will show me how I can use Timothy's story to help others - I want others to have the hope and joy that I have.

Some time ago I heard this on the radio - reading back through it, so much of this seems to fit my life perfectly - I know I can do anything that God asks me to do, go anywhere He asks me to go, and the journey will always be worth it:

"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring but predictable ... It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, and it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal." I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are You taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I said, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine. And we'd be off again. He said, "Give the gifts away, they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him at first, to be in control of my life, I thought He would wreck it; But He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He smiles and says ... "Pedal."