Continued Enlightenment :)

I went to my first bereavement support group tonight at the hospital where we delivered Timothy three weeks ago.  I went there feeling a little down and expecting to leave even more depressed - instead I left in complete wonder of our God - that he chose ME to give this precious gift to.  As I sat and listened to stories of other mommies and daddies losing their babies unexpectedly during their pregnancy, I realized what a special story I had.  That I had almost ten months with my precious baby boy - that I had six months to prepare to give him back to the Lord and treasure every moment that I did have with him - that I was able to carry him full term and and that his little life was such a testimony to so many people.  When it was my turn to tell my story tonight I almost felt badly because although I miss him terribly there was something wonderful in my story.  There was hope and peace, joy and excitement.  My story is not one of devastation - I am not asking why me, why did this have to happen to me - I am able to see the fruits of God's work right before my eyes.  Timothy has literally changed peoples' lives - he has changed peoples' perspectives.  I told of how they were able to use his liver to save other babies and one of the other daddies called little Timothy a hero.  In Timohty's one breath, he was a hero.  And he was mine.

The beauty of all this is how God orchestrated every little detail - and if my husband and I hadn't finished the journey, we would have never seen any of this.  I am so honored that God chose me to be Timothy's mommy - although through and through my heart I know that Timothy was the strong one, I'm starting to realize that in a way, Timothy and I were a team, I'm so privileged that I was able to be a part of this team.

I pray that God will show me how I can use Timothy's story to help others - I want others to have the hope and joy that I have.

Some time ago I heard this on the radio - reading back through it, so much of this seems to fit my life perfectly - I know I can do anything that God asks me to do, go anywhere He asks me to go, and the journey will always be worth it:

"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring but predictable ... It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, and it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal." I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are You taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I said, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine. And we'd be off again. He said, "Give the gifts away, they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him at first, to be in control of my life, I thought He would wreck it; But He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He smiles and says ... "Pedal."