On Your Fourth Birthday

In remembering my sweet little boy....I look to your older sister Evie to see your smile. I look to your little brother Frankie to see your energy. And I am now gently reminded of your sweet little feet that I held in my hands when I hold your newest baby sister Nora. There isn't a day that goes by when I look at this blessed little family and can't help but notice where your rightful place would be. You are missed so much - Evie continues to speak of you and draw you often and your little brother is just learning how to pronounce your name in the sweetest way. Evie was wondering where the tent was for your birthday party today and when everyone would arrive. I can only imagine the celebrations that you have. Because of you I am so much more than I could have ever been on my own. You have been joined by so many more precious little lives whose mothers I am forever united to through you, and your mighty work lives on. Bless you my sweet, brave little one.

Happy Heavenly 2nd Birthday Tiny Tim!

I can't believe it has been two years already - two years since Timothy has been dancing with Jesus...fishing in the river...laughing with his Grandpa. 

Gauging by his two his cousins who were born right around the same time, he would be starting to talk...starting to show his own little personality...starting to have his own little attitude.  He would be obsessed with babies, demanding his own way, insisting on multiple cookies, and wanting to be "in" on everything big sister Evie did.

Gauging by how Evie is with her little brother Frankie...she would be taking care of him, they would be inseparable, they would play together and make each other laugh, and look for each other first thing in the morning.  If we made a trip without him...she would be asking where he is.
Oh the love she would have for you Baby Timothy. 

We did not forget you today Timothy.  We released balloons up to heaven with notes of love on them for you, did you receive them?  We baked cupcakes, we talked about you, Evie pretended that Frankie was you, and she was your mommy.  And we received messages all day long from so many people who missed you and thought of you today.

Last year your Uncle "Teve" named a star after you - you are my star.  Your life shines so brightly for all to see.   I promise to continue to tell your big sister and little brother about you, I promise to always share your story...and I promise to never stop celebrating you.  

Happy Birthday to my precious little one.

The Veggie Wrap

Veggie wraps make me cry.  Okay, not just any veggie wrap, specifically Au Bon Pain's Mediterranean wrap.  My work travels often bring me to the train station in Washington D.C..  On my way home I always look for something quick to grab for dinner for the ride home.  Invariably, I find myself circling the refrigerator section, telling myself, this time, I will grab my one-time favorite Mediterranean wrap...and invariably...I find myself tearing up even looking at the sandwich.  I'm pretty sure on more than one occasion, other passengers bustling through the station have noticed.  You see some pretty crazy things at the train station...so I suppose they chalk it up to just another crazy crying over sandwiches. 

It's amazing how the tiniest thing can you take you back so quickly, to an exact feeling, an exact moment in time.  The night we had Timothy, I found myself at midnight, with my husband quietly asleep in the hospital bed next to me, trying over tears to eat my Mediterranean veggie wrap.  It's the Italian in me I suppose, running to food for comfort. I don't think I made it much beyond two bites.

So...two years later...I am still not able to eat my favorite sandwich.  It's just a reminder, that at any moment, you may never know what will set you off.  It's the "new normal" that I knew one day would become my life when we first heard Timothy's diagnosis.

Timothy's life changed so many things in my life...my new normal has a new perspective.  It's knowing not to sweat the small stuff...it's appreciating the beauty of life, the miracle of a healthy baby, the blessing of children...it's being not afraid to share your story, and not afraid to stand up for what you believe in.  It's feeling 100% confident that God works all things for the good of those who love Him.

And with that new perspective...I guess it's time that I should start looking for a new favorite sandwich...
:)




 

As our family grows

Its been some time since I've posted - in that time God has blessed us with a beautiful little boy who each day I fall more in love with.  I can't help but look at him and think that Timothy in a way, gave his life so little Frankie could be here with us now.  In my time with him I wonder if this is how Timothy would have looked like, is this how he would have been?  I'm sure there will many more years of these thoughts to come.

This week a little baby boy named Hayden returned home to Jesus - as I shed tears for him and ask why this had to be I have to hold on to my faith that these special babies are handpicked to do a special job - I won't fully understand what that job is until I am home I'm sure.  I suppose we must remember to be joyful for them that they will not endure the hardships of this world - but it is so hard for us mommies to accept this.  Please pray for Hayden's family - it is a road you wish no family has to walk - I know they will come out on the other side - He is refining us like silver.

Little Timothy - thank you for giving so much so that we may be blessed so greatly.

Happy Heavenly First Birthday Timothy!

It's hard to imagine that a year has gone by since we said goodbye to you little one.  The world called you imperfect - but not only did beauty radiate from your sweet little face - you brought out so much beauty in others.  Your little life showed us a side of many people that we may have never seen - the piece of their hearts that perfectly reflected Jesus's love - because of you, we were able to see just how beautiful our family, friends, and even strangers are.    For that moment in time, we were able to see just what God sees when He looks at all of us - his beautiful little angels that He loves and cares for.   Because of you, we have friends that will hold us a lifetime - bonds that will never be broken - love that will never grow cold. 

Today all day long I began feeling your little brother or sister kicks for the first time, a gentle reminder that there are even more blessings in store for us. Although I cannot hold you, although you will never blow our your first candles here on earth, although I never will see you take your first little steps - I have perfect peace in my heart that you are exactly where you should be.  Someday we will all meet you and Pop Pop by the River...We love you and are so proud of you!
 
Thank you to all who have kept us falling this past year - we love you all dearly.  Timothy's story continues to be an inspiration and has spread to over 58 countries...God is busy at work!

Merry 1st Christmas Tiny Tim

I always wonder how the angels celebrate Christmas in heaven. God thought you special enough to taste this celebration before all of us get to little Timothy. We had a beautiful day today with your ever growing family - but I can't help but say this holiday now more then ever I felt a piece of me missing. That piece of me will always be with you in heaven Timothy, until we are together again. We miss you - keep that party going until we get there. :)
Love you always - Mommy

Nine Months and Counting

Just wanted to post a quick thought today - I miss little Timothy a lot lately - it's been nine months but that is still less than the time he spent with me every day!! 

Thank you to my true friends and family for upholding me, supporting me, and remembering his precious little life that changed our lives in a big way!!

Life's Just Not What it Used to Be...

The world has bustled on around me...sometimes I wonder if anyone remembers that Timothy was here...I wonder how the world could move on without him - a piece of me wishes I could go back to those first few weeks he was gone - as difficult as it was, he seemed to be on everyone's mind, rather than just my own.  I look back at that time now and realize what an emotional high I was on...now eight months later, my mind suddenly seems foggy.  My concentration is lacking...multi-tasking has seemed to go out the window for me, the master once of doing it all.  I'm realizing now that I'm just not all there anymore.  I don't know if I ever will be.  And you know what....I'm okay with that.  I'm sure it's not exactly convenient for those around me...but I'm learning to live life again...with the new me....I would take the moments I had with Timothy over the old me any day.

I write this for the other mommies out there....I have a feeling I am not alone.
xo

A Short Six Months...A Long Six Months

Happy Six Month Heavenly Birthday to our Tiny Tim.  Today Timothy's Daddy made a big map of the world with his little footprints all over, showing everywhere his precious feet have been.  We will hang it in his big sister's playroom - she will grow up asking and knowing all about her little brother with wings. 

When Evie was six months to the day she sat on her own for the first time - I have a feeling little Timothy would have done so even earlier just to keep up with his big sister! 

It's hard to believe we have been without you for six months already - yet every day not seeing you grow feels like an eternity.  I never thought that I would be on "this side" of this trial, in less than two weeks it will be one year when we were told we wouldn't get to keep you.  When you're first climbing that mountain it seems like you will never reach the top.  But as I have been told before - you see beautiful things on that mountain top.  Thank you God for showing us the view - and for giving us the opportunity to love this little boy of ours.

You Raise Me Up

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

--Brendan Graham, You Raise Me Up

Happy Five Month Heavenly Birthday Tiny Tim

This week I read a book about a six year little boy, Alex, who visited Jesus in heaven after a car accident, and came back as a witness to heaven (The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven).  It reminded me just how real heaven is and gave me peace to know little Timothy is there with Jesus, busy about God's work until we join him. 

Happy Heavenly 4 Month Birthday

Your big sister just loves babies! I know she would have adored you - but you had other work to do.  Your story continues to inspire people around the world!

Blessed to be His Mom

I truly believe God gives us children so we can experience the love He feels for us. Remembering little Timothy on Mother's Day and how much joy he brought to me and continues to bring - as I was so fortunate to be his mom, even for just a moment in time.

Thinking of Timothy

I miss my little Timothy more than ever these days - my little acrobat.  I suppose at some point you just run out of strength - these are the times you have no choice but to fall on God.

Happy 3-Month Heavenly Birthday Timothy.  We love you.

John 15:16

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -- fruit that will last.