Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Continued Enlightenment :)
I went to my first bereavement support group tonight at the hospital where we delivered Timothy three weeks ago. I went there feeling a little down and expecting to leave even more depressed - instead I left in complete wonder of our God - that he chose ME to give this precious gift to. As I sat and listened to stories of other mommies and daddies losing their babies unexpectedly during their pregnancy, I realized what a special story I had. That I had almost ten months with my precious baby boy - that I had six months to prepare to give him back to the Lord and treasure every moment that I did have with him - that I was able to carry him full term and and that his little life was such a testimony to so many people. When it was my turn to tell my story tonight I almost felt badly because although I miss him terribly there was something wonderful in my story. There was hope and peace, joy and excitement. My story is not one of devastation - I am not asking why me, why did this have to happen to me - I am able to see the fruits of God's work right before my eyes. Timothy has literally changed peoples' lives - he has changed peoples' perspectives. I told of how they were able to use his liver to save other babies and one of the other daddies called little Timothy a hero. In Timohty's one breath, he was a hero. And he was mine.
The beauty of all this is how God orchestrated every little detail - and if my husband and I hadn't finished the journey, we would have never seen any of this. I am so honored that God chose me to be Timothy's mommy - although through and through my heart I know that Timothy was the strong one, I'm starting to realize that in a way, Timothy and I were a team, I'm so privileged that I was able to be a part of this team.
I pray that God will show me how I can use Timothy's story to help others - I want others to have the hope and joy that I have.
Some time ago I heard this on the radio - reading back through it, so much of this seems to fit my life perfectly - I know I can do anything that God asks me to do, go anywhere He asks me to go, and the journey will always be worth it:
"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring but predictable ... It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, and it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal." I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are You taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I said, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine. And we'd be off again. He said, "Give the gifts away, they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him at first, to be in control of my life, I thought He would wreck it; But He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He smiles and says ... "Pedal."
The beauty of all this is how God orchestrated every little detail - and if my husband and I hadn't finished the journey, we would have never seen any of this. I am so honored that God chose me to be Timothy's mommy - although through and through my heart I know that Timothy was the strong one, I'm starting to realize that in a way, Timothy and I were a team, I'm so privileged that I was able to be a part of this team.
I pray that God will show me how I can use Timothy's story to help others - I want others to have the hope and joy that I have.
Some time ago I heard this on the radio - reading back through it, so much of this seems to fit my life perfectly - I know I can do anything that God asks me to do, go anywhere He asks me to go, and the journey will always be worth it:
"At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like the president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested that we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring but predictable ... It was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, and it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal." I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are You taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I said, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine. And we'd be off again. He said, "Give the gifts away, they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him at first, to be in control of my life, I thought He would wreck it; But He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. I'm learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore, He smiles and says ... "Pedal."
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Tribute to Timothy's Life - From His Uncle Rich
Time is a manmade scale of accomplishments and milestones that has nothing to do with God and his plans.
Once born, Timothy Frank was here on Earth only a few short seconds, perhaps one breath, in those few seconds he completed a journey. Here are just a few of his accomplishments:
* Transforming the hearts, minds, and souls, of a young married couple. Increasing their faith and strength to super human levels. Creating building blocks of love as a married couple, and parents that last a lifetime. Strengthening the loving bond of the Roller family beyond human expectations.
* Creating a story of love and faith that has been told and will continue to be told that brings people to tears, as they question their own lives, mortality, families, and beliefs.
* Endless witnessing of God’s unfailing love and Sovereignty to family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, medical professionals, neighbors, and strangers alike.
* Personally, reviving my faith as I had to question God’s decisions, governance, and the role of human life at all stages, from conception to death.
* Reviving an entire to church, as it is struck to the core of its doctrine and beliefs.
* Awaking distracted hearts that are called to Love once again in support of a family in pain.
* Promoting the prolife cause in a way that cannot be ignored and must be discussed and examined by some who chose to turn away.
* Saving the lives of other children by the giving of his own flesh and blood
* Saving the lives of other children, as I expect others who might have chosen not to allow this baby’s life to continue will be moved by Holly and Mike’s story to choose otherwise.
* Showing more strength and determination to live and fulfill God’s plan for him in his little baby pinky than most of us have in our entire body.
There is no exaggeration when I say that this is just a fraction of what this baby has done in a few short seconds on earth. Now we know that this started 9 months ago but so many others would have ended Timothy’s journey long ago but then the totality of his impact would never have been known until those few seconds. Without the completion of this life from beginning to end in Gods time, his story would be oh so different and tragic. A story filled with sorrow, anger, and regret. This story is filled with joy, love, and understanding.
I ask of you, from this day forward let Timothy’s legacy be that no one in your presence and question the sovereignty of God and the fact that each life and its impact is in his hands and in his time! Among many things, Timothy has taught us that age, status, or any other humanly obsessed trait has anything to do with the impact of one’s life and the purpose God has for each individual. After Timothy’s birth, how could anyone not see and understand the importance of every second of life and the value of every child. I have lived 38 years (over 200 million seconds), never coming close to what this little child did in a matter of seconds. I haven’t caused anything close to the impact to church, family, or loved one that Timothy has in one breath. Our human expectation of time and the need to hold on to time has been shattered by Timothy. Of course, we would have liked to have had him around longer but he didn’t need all the time we waste in order to fulfill God’s plan for him and impact our world in a positive way. That is what makes Timothy so special and what his life was about life is all about. Holy and Mike, I know you already know this. But I wanted the chance to public honor Timothy Frank for the impact he made in my life and endless other lives, and most importantly to make sure God is not questioned and doubted, but thanked and praised for Timothy’s birth.
Sometimes I feel that on Earth we get to taste the rewards waiting for us in heaven and for me and so many others, those few short seconds Timothy gave us are one of those rewards.
Psalm 150, verse 6 says:
“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord”
Timothy used his one breath to do just that.
May God be praised!
Once born, Timothy Frank was here on Earth only a few short seconds, perhaps one breath, in those few seconds he completed a journey. Here are just a few of his accomplishments:
* Transforming the hearts, minds, and souls, of a young married couple. Increasing their faith and strength to super human levels. Creating building blocks of love as a married couple, and parents that last a lifetime. Strengthening the loving bond of the Roller family beyond human expectations.
* Creating a story of love and faith that has been told and will continue to be told that brings people to tears, as they question their own lives, mortality, families, and beliefs.
* Endless witnessing of God’s unfailing love and Sovereignty to family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, medical professionals, neighbors, and strangers alike.
* Personally, reviving my faith as I had to question God’s decisions, governance, and the role of human life at all stages, from conception to death.
* Reviving an entire to church, as it is struck to the core of its doctrine and beliefs.
* Awaking distracted hearts that are called to Love once again in support of a family in pain.
* Promoting the prolife cause in a way that cannot be ignored and must be discussed and examined by some who chose to turn away.
* Saving the lives of other children by the giving of his own flesh and blood
* Saving the lives of other children, as I expect others who might have chosen not to allow this baby’s life to continue will be moved by Holly and Mike’s story to choose otherwise.
* Showing more strength and determination to live and fulfill God’s plan for him in his little baby pinky than most of us have in our entire body.
There is no exaggeration when I say that this is just a fraction of what this baby has done in a few short seconds on earth. Now we know that this started 9 months ago but so many others would have ended Timothy’s journey long ago but then the totality of his impact would never have been known until those few seconds. Without the completion of this life from beginning to end in Gods time, his story would be oh so different and tragic. A story filled with sorrow, anger, and regret. This story is filled with joy, love, and understanding.
I ask of you, from this day forward let Timothy’s legacy be that no one in your presence and question the sovereignty of God and the fact that each life and its impact is in his hands and in his time! Among many things, Timothy has taught us that age, status, or any other humanly obsessed trait has anything to do with the impact of one’s life and the purpose God has for each individual. After Timothy’s birth, how could anyone not see and understand the importance of every second of life and the value of every child. I have lived 38 years (over 200 million seconds), never coming close to what this little child did in a matter of seconds. I haven’t caused anything close to the impact to church, family, or loved one that Timothy has in one breath. Our human expectation of time and the need to hold on to time has been shattered by Timothy. Of course, we would have liked to have had him around longer but he didn’t need all the time we waste in order to fulfill God’s plan for him and impact our world in a positive way. That is what makes Timothy so special and what his life was about life is all about. Holy and Mike, I know you already know this. But I wanted the chance to public honor Timothy Frank for the impact he made in my life and endless other lives, and most importantly to make sure God is not questioned and doubted, but thanked and praised for Timothy’s birth.
Sometimes I feel that on Earth we get to taste the rewards waiting for us in heaven and for me and so many others, those few short seconds Timothy gave us are one of those rewards.
Psalm 150, verse 6 says:
“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord”
Timothy used his one breath to do just that.
May God be praised!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Slideshow for Timothy's Memorial, Please Watch!
Here is the link to the slide-show from Baby Timothy's memorial - please take a few minutes to watch his celebrated life...
Baby Timothy Slide Show
Baby Timothy Slide Show
A Letter to My Son, February 3, 2011
For Baby Timothy's Memorial Service...
My Dear Baby Timothy,
When the doctors told us of your condition I asked for mercy. I confess that the mercy I imagined in my human mind never compared to the mercy and gift I was granted to carry you full-term and meet your sweet precious face. I knew you were not mine to keep here on earth, and promised myself I would not grow too attached to you – but the truth is I fell in love with you the moment I saw your ten perfect tiny toes and ten perfect tiny fingers on your ultrasound. I watched your little heart beat so strong – it was beating for a purpose.
Parents could never ask for more than for their children to make a difference in the world – to help bring people to God’s kingdom – to be a complete display of God’s glory and mercy. All the lives you affected, all the lives you are physically saving, I pray that each and every one will be part of an army for God – you are a mighty warrior my son, and God certainly had a purpose for you when he created you, so perfectly, according to His plan.
Everyone says how strong I was but the moment you left me I realized you were the strong one – you were the one that kept your Mommy going. I don’t think this hole in my heart will ever go away until we meet again in heaven – but until then, Mommy and Daddy and your big sister Evie promise to keep your memory alive here on earth. We are so proud of you.
All My Love,
Mommy
Letter of Encouragement, January 19, 2011
A note I posted on one of my support websites to another mommy in need...
When I first heard the news and actually started to research what it was - I had so many emotions - so
overwhelmed and scared and thinking how could I put myself and my family through this. When we went back for a confirmation ultrasound all I could see was my little boy's heart beating so strong - I literally felt like I heard him saying, Mommy, please protect me. I just couldn't be responsible for stopping that little heart of his. Even though I accepted God's task at hand for me I thought I'd never want to see him - now, 5.5 months later I'm a completely different person then I was. I won't say that I'm not anxious and scared of what is to come in the next week or so - but I do know that it was entirely worth it and I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Please know that the grief you're experiencing right now, will change - you are a special mommy that God has chosen and I guarantee you, your little baby will have more of an impact on the world then some of us do our whole lives. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be - we all will be praying for you.
When I first heard the news and actually started to research what it was - I had so many emotions - so
overwhelmed and scared and thinking how could I put myself and my family through this. When we went back for a confirmation ultrasound all I could see was my little boy's heart beating so strong - I literally felt like I heard him saying, Mommy, please protect me. I just couldn't be responsible for stopping that little heart of his. Even though I accepted God's task at hand for me I thought I'd never want to see him - now, 5.5 months later I'm a completely different person then I was. I won't say that I'm not anxious and scared of what is to come in the next week or so - but I do know that it was entirely worth it and I wouldn't have done a thing differently. Please know that the grief you're experiencing right now, will change - you are a special mommy that God has chosen and I guarantee you, your little baby will have more of an impact on the world then some of us do our whole lives. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be - we all will be praying for you.
Letter to Our Friends and Family - January 4, 2011
Dear friends and family -
Although I always love to get a good laugh out of people, when it comes to trials and tribulations I'm typically a private person, and as we've walked this journey I have remained pretty quiet - but God has certainly put it on my heart to share a few thoughts with you all. I have come to realize that this is not my story to share - it is our son's. As most of you are aware we're expecting a little boy soon - I am due on Jan. 11th (although if he is anything like his big sister I expect we may be waiting longer!) We know that he is not well - and as the cold medical field would say, is "incompatible with life".
We have spent the last five months knowing that we would carry this baby only to give him back to the Lord. No one knew he would be such a fighter...we thought for sure this would end months ago - but this little boy had no intentions on going anywhere before his time. In the beginning I couldn't imagine how we could possibly go through with this - how I could possibly put my family and my daughter through this. As I accepted it was something that we had to do, I said fine Lord, but I don't think I could ever face him - please take him home soon. As time continued to pass I said fine Lord, I will face my son, but please take him home soon. Now, as my time with him begins to draw to a close, with God's perfect timing - there is an antipication in my heart to meet my little fighter. Even though the world would not call him perfect, I know he will beautiful to us, and I will be so proud of him.
I am proud of him because he has accomplished more in his little life then most of us do in our whole lives. He has taught us how to be courageous and the true meaning of obedience - things that Mike and I would have tried so hard to teach him. He has taught us to cherish every second, how to slow down and enjoy life, and be thankful for every moment the Lord provides. (I can't tell you how appreciative I am for every moment I share with our daughter Evie). He has taught us that in the end, it's all really about our journey with Christ, and our ultimate path home.
Everyone tells us how strong we are and what an inspiration Mike and I are - please know that it is not us, I think if there was somehow we could have done this in secret, we would have. I have to tell you that there is just no way that we could function like human beings and be as joyful as we have been without God. You can't deny that His existance is our source of strength - that He has given us the grace every single second of every single day to go on. Our son's life is a reflection of this grace. It never could have been up to me or anybody else to take this time from him - to say he wasn't entitled to his time on earth. And whether he lives a few minutes, a few days, or enters the presence of the Lord as he enters this world, this was HIS life to live - he is a testimony to God and no one would have any right to take that from him. My heart breaks for all the babies that aren't given that chance - whether they are "imperfect" or just not wanted - I can only pray that these babies' mommies and daddies hear their child's voice from deep within and stand up and fight for them. I pray that our son's story will give others the courage to do that.
We have decided to name our son Timothy Frank. Timothy was a very young disciple for Christ - who's mother and grandmother instilled in him a love of God and knowledge of scripture. We know that God created our "Tiny Tim's" short young life purely to be a testimony to Him. Frank is after my father - likely the most remarkable man I have ever known - he too was a fighter and I'm sure our son has gotten this spirit from his Grandpa. We are thankful that Timothy's life will be spared from the heartache of this world - we know that as Paul writes in Phillipians that our citizenship is in heaven - and we will meet him there, fully restored to perfection.
We want to thank you all for your prayers, support, meals, friendship, and just listening. When this all began I had never felt more like an "alien" in a strange world - but God has brought so many people into our lives and created so many friendships we never anticipated to surround us, along with our tried and true friends and family. There have been so many fears that have accompanied this journey but as the prayers pour in it's like a shield has been put up around us to block the attacks on us. I can't say that we are not anxious of what is to come - but I do know that God has given us grace to sustain us every single day and I know He will get us through this. We continue to ask for your prayers - but most of all, we ask you to tell his story - we want his story to continue spreading God's word long after he departs us. As 2 Timothy 4:7 says, I believe our son has "fought the good fight", he has "finished the race", and has "remained faithful". I pray that he will always be an inspiration to all the lives he has touched.
Lots of Love,
Mike, Holly, & Evie
Although I always love to get a good laugh out of people, when it comes to trials and tribulations I'm typically a private person, and as we've walked this journey I have remained pretty quiet - but God has certainly put it on my heart to share a few thoughts with you all. I have come to realize that this is not my story to share - it is our son's. As most of you are aware we're expecting a little boy soon - I am due on Jan. 11th (although if he is anything like his big sister I expect we may be waiting longer!) We know that he is not well - and as the cold medical field would say, is "incompatible with life".
We have spent the last five months knowing that we would carry this baby only to give him back to the Lord. No one knew he would be such a fighter...we thought for sure this would end months ago - but this little boy had no intentions on going anywhere before his time. In the beginning I couldn't imagine how we could possibly go through with this - how I could possibly put my family and my daughter through this. As I accepted it was something that we had to do, I said fine Lord, but I don't think I could ever face him - please take him home soon. As time continued to pass I said fine Lord, I will face my son, but please take him home soon. Now, as my time with him begins to draw to a close, with God's perfect timing - there is an antipication in my heart to meet my little fighter. Even though the world would not call him perfect, I know he will beautiful to us, and I will be so proud of him.
I am proud of him because he has accomplished more in his little life then most of us do in our whole lives. He has taught us how to be courageous and the true meaning of obedience - things that Mike and I would have tried so hard to teach him. He has taught us to cherish every second, how to slow down and enjoy life, and be thankful for every moment the Lord provides. (I can't tell you how appreciative I am for every moment I share with our daughter Evie). He has taught us that in the end, it's all really about our journey with Christ, and our ultimate path home.
Everyone tells us how strong we are and what an inspiration Mike and I are - please know that it is not us, I think if there was somehow we could have done this in secret, we would have. I have to tell you that there is just no way that we could function like human beings and be as joyful as we have been without God. You can't deny that His existance is our source of strength - that He has given us the grace every single second of every single day to go on. Our son's life is a reflection of this grace. It never could have been up to me or anybody else to take this time from him - to say he wasn't entitled to his time on earth. And whether he lives a few minutes, a few days, or enters the presence of the Lord as he enters this world, this was HIS life to live - he is a testimony to God and no one would have any right to take that from him. My heart breaks for all the babies that aren't given that chance - whether they are "imperfect" or just not wanted - I can only pray that these babies' mommies and daddies hear their child's voice from deep within and stand up and fight for them. I pray that our son's story will give others the courage to do that.
We have decided to name our son Timothy Frank. Timothy was a very young disciple for Christ - who's mother and grandmother instilled in him a love of God and knowledge of scripture. We know that God created our "Tiny Tim's" short young life purely to be a testimony to Him. Frank is after my father - likely the most remarkable man I have ever known - he too was a fighter and I'm sure our son has gotten this spirit from his Grandpa. We are thankful that Timothy's life will be spared from the heartache of this world - we know that as Paul writes in Phillipians that our citizenship is in heaven - and we will meet him there, fully restored to perfection.
We want to thank you all for your prayers, support, meals, friendship, and just listening. When this all began I had never felt more like an "alien" in a strange world - but God has brought so many people into our lives and created so many friendships we never anticipated to surround us, along with our tried and true friends and family. There have been so many fears that have accompanied this journey but as the prayers pour in it's like a shield has been put up around us to block the attacks on us. I can't say that we are not anxious of what is to come - but I do know that God has given us grace to sustain us every single day and I know He will get us through this. We continue to ask for your prayers - but most of all, we ask you to tell his story - we want his story to continue spreading God's word long after he departs us. As 2 Timothy 4:7 says, I believe our son has "fought the good fight", he has "finished the race", and has "remained faithful". I pray that he will always be an inspiration to all the lives he has touched.
Lots of Love,
Mike, Holly, & Evie
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